middle of the night

It will be interesting to see if this is just an exercise in my own preparation, or if I really do need to do this right now -- I woke up aching for the Muse family in our ward whose 14 yr old son/brother is in critical condition in Primary Children's Hospital with a brain hemmorage, and just felt like I needed to find some quotes and get myself solid to help. Among other amazing resources I found, were some grief journals, and I was going to send Allison this entry, and then thought "oh, I could just put in on the blog for everybody!" Interesting that when I got here, you had another quote for day about grieving -- thanks for being on my wavelength!

The quote I was looking for is:

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”

which I was interested to see is credited to Shakespeare --I'll have to see if I can get a more specific reference. Then I found this journal from a man named Keith Drury whose father and then brother passed away within a short period of time. His entries were over a 2 year period, and it was fascinating to see the evolution of his grief and his questionings. This entry is at the end of the journal.

Resurrection and hope. What is heaven like? I know there is life beyond the grave, but, not this kind of life. A much better life? I think not. Heaven is not an improved earth. It is totally different. Yes, better in a way, for we best understand it as superior by calling it "better." We suspect heaven is different from here in degree rather than kind. But heaven is not simply a souped-up earth. It is a totally different sphere of being. I don't fully understand how a body can get resurrected and reunited with its' spirit. I think they taught me how in seminary, but I've forgotten it. Actually, I've never thought much about the resurrection, except at Easter. But it's been on my mind lately. I admit that sometimes I have glimmers of doubt. But what's the alternative? If I do not believe the resurrection, then the Bible is a myth and God cannot be trusted. If God can not be trusted then life is a mockery... merely a high-level animal existence. This is no real alternative. Resurrection may be hard to understand, or even hard to believe at times, but it stretches the mind far less than nihilism. I believe in resurrection.

On that basis, I have hope. I yearn for a reunion somewhere, somehow, in that state of being the Bible calls heaven. Maybe then I'll have another of those little quiet chats with my dad. I'll have one of those laughing reunions with my brother. I don't know exactly where. I don't know how. But I choose to believe it will happen. If Christ was raised, shall not the rest of us rise? And if Christ be not raised, what does anything else matter. I choose to believe in resurrection. It is a choice, not a feeling.
So what? What good comes out of all this? I don't know how many years I have left. I could have 50 years. I could have a month. What have I learned for these remaining years, more or less? What is the permanent influence of these two deaths on my life? What is the conclusion of the whole matter? After all, I can't keep looking backwards... what does God want to teach me through all this for the rest of my life? It is clear. I remember that little plaque my mom hung right above my childhood bed. It was a sort of blue mirror with fancy lettering on it. I remember lying awake sometimes and reading it as a child. Funny how it has kept coming back to me these last two years. On that little plaque is the essence of my new commitment based on these deaths. It will be the new banner of my life:

"Only one life, 'twill soon be past...Only what's done for Christ will last."


Interesting to see his struggle for equilibrium, his ups and downs, and then his hard-won faith bringing him to hope. His choice to believe in the face of all his experiences and feelings gives him the anchor. So good to read "it is clear." I love those moments. We have to hold on to them and "REMEMBER."

Love you all!